Just a quick blurb

I just wish sometimes, I could pull out the correct words to say. But, I don't. I have too much running through my mind, that I can't pull the right thought out.

And I'm sorry.

I'll get it straightened out sometime. Then and only then will I have mastery of what I want to portray. But, for now..

I'll just fumble over some small insignificant blurbs and words, hoping.. yet praying not to be heard. Keeping low, my voice so I won't say aloud what I know is absurd. I will keep it all tucked away deep in my head, far away inside...

And for that, for now..
I am sorry.

But, what can you do.. sometimes?
I can't tell you what to see, or how to see.
So, just open your eyes.. don't be blind. And see.
I'll learn how to speak.

No need for a title. Read if you want.

I'll forever be standing still. Stopped. Just looking around, for what? I myself don't know. I just know I will watch all of you pass right by me. I'll smile with that complacent smile, but.. when I see you move on I will wash it away. Comfort. I felt it, once before.. not recently. But, I won't expect these things for me. Not daily, that is for sure. Then again I should not even expect them on the grand scheme. That would be selfish, would it not? Selfish? We're all so Selfish. But, I can't have that as my crutch for my actions, can I? That would make me almost.. Spiteful? Would it not? To watch another, and yearn for what they have.. would indeed corrupt me. I know this, deep inside. Now that I have made that pass, I can humble myself again. Where do I go from here? Well, not so much "Me" but.. where does anyone go from here? When they have seen things pass them by, and dive into the "wonder" of their mind looking deep into what has been.. and what could be? Then again, where is this rant going? Where does anything.. go? The funny thing is, we will or.. ( I ) will dismiss these thoughts at a whim.. and not worry about such things until they resurface. Kind of like "Love." Wait.. What? Did you say.. Love is dismissed willingly, and brought back into light by our own will? I thought "Love" was constant and burrowed deep into our hearts? One would say that "Love" resides inside. Yet, I ask this to those who claim to wield "Love" freely. Ask these things of yourself.. and when you answer ( Truthfully to yourself.. not me ) I ask you to again view what I am saying.

Do you awake with "Love" on your mind? Truthfully.
Do you differentiate between "Love" and "Companionship?"
Do you believe that your "Love" for the one you say you "Love" is unconditional?
Do you realize that using "Love" as a weapon to surpass all odds is abusing it?
Would you truly give up all that you are for the one you.. "Love?"
Do you understand "Love" as something more then just a word?

Maybe I stand still for now watching everyone pass me by, but then again..
Maybe... Just maybe.. I am looking deeper into something that scares me.
I see everyone wearing this "Word" all over themselves and throwing it where ever they want. And I go back to what I thought I knew as "Love." I go back to what I thought I knew as me in.. "Love." I listen to the people telling me that "If I look for it, I will find it."

So tell me. If I am too blind to see "Love" for what it is..
What am I looking for, if you all know so well.
And..
How are you so sure what you have.. is "Love?" Or is it just our human desire to seek "Companionship" with another person?

There is someone who needs me, regardless of my flaws and what I have done. She needs me for me. She needs me because in her mind I am the one thing that matters, and I will never trade or.. "Get rid of her" regardless of how tough things get. She knows I am committed to her, and want nothing more for her then to be happy.. genuinely. She needs me, because I need her. She can't care for herself, and without her..
I would be dead.

That.. is "Love." That.. is selflessness. That.. is the yearning deep in your heart. Some may say I am wrong, however.. until you have seen the world in my angle I can say..
You will never know.

You may say, I should see it in your eyes? Well, ask me. I have. Please, ask me about this.. for one second.. I yearn for input. I am a sponge. Tell me whatever you think.

But for now, I stand still. Watching you all pass by. Time is moving, I know. But, where I am standing.. Let nothing move. Because once it moves on, I can't have it back. Ever. Not even with what people call a "New Beginning."
I'll never get back this "Love."
So, keep yours. Maybe, just maybe.. we will see eye to eye.

But, unless you can see what I see..
I doubt it.

05-31-02.
"Love, amongst a haze of chaos.. was born."

-I love you, and I always will.-

Amongst the Clouds

I went outside tonight feeding the craving for nicotine, a bad habit.. I know. The moon was not covered, unlike a few hours previous. Now, this may seem rather normal to others but something.. caught my eye. The moon sat amongst clouds, again.. normal.. right? As I continued to look up at the sky I noticed the clouds seemed as though they we being drawn to something. The moon illuminating their path, the trees in the horizon covering their destination. Not as though without the trees there, I would be able to see where they went. But, to me I was awestruck.. wondering where they were going. What could it be that was "pulling them in." I looked away from the moon and where they were "heading" only to see the chain continuing. Streams upon streams, just flowing in succession to somewhere.. And I wanted to know where. The light from the moon laying gently on these streams of clouds.. flowing onwards into what would seem as nothingness. I.. wanted to be there. I wanted to be where they all meet, and see what it was that was drawing them in. With consideration of how big this planet is, I know that would probably be unrealistically far from me. But that meant nothing. In that fleeting moment all of these logical thoughts just seemed to wash away, leaving me with this persistent curiosity. Where... is it? Where are they going? What could I find there? Why there? Why not right here, with me? The cigarette came closer, and closer to it's end. My thoughts then ventured a different avenue. What if.. those clouds were not being drawn into something. What if, just maybe.. they were leaving that "place" and attempting to cover us all? Slowly allowing us to bask in some gentle beauty. Because it was beautiful, in my eyes. Maybe whatever "it" was sent all of them out to ease us into sleep? My cigarette has burned out by now, and has been tossed away to take its course.. and expire. These clouds seemed not to move, no wind tonight either. It was calm, and quiet. With me just left "Star Gazing" with.. no stars? Maybe all that was meant to happen was the moon to bring light to this.. and allow us to view it. Allow us to ponder this concept that I had stumbled upon? Maybe.. just maybe.. There is no explanation. No reason at all? We should accept what we deem beautiful when it comes around, with no questions? "Take it for what it is?" But, I can't help but think.. If I didn't think.. and just merely looked up.. would it matter? If I didn't not look deeper inside of it, would it be as beautiful? Or would my thoughts have been embraced by someone else? Then again, for all I know someone else has seen this and felt the same thing I have.

Maybe those clouds were coming from them? Showing me the same thing they can see, or could it be.. I was sending the clouds to them?

Or maybe I am just over thinking this. I should just, perhaps.. take it in for what it is. A sight to be seen.. and from what I have done now..
A story, to be told.

Walk

I will carry all of your ill feelings, with ease. Bring them to me. Pour your soul into me, I promise it won't be for "Nothing." Expend what burdens you, into me. I'll use whatever I have to absorb it, now look.. Look deeply into yourself. See if you have have purged your demons. Walk now, thinking your weight has be lifted. Let the warmth of the water in your shower have it all run off into that drain. Close your eyes, and feel it all run down you. Are you free yet? Do you feel lighter? Have you been cleansed? You'll never feel "it" leave, you've just escaped it. I know, because I walk with it all. I embrace all of it, for you. Don't stop for a moment. Don't allow yourself to try to pull it back in. Bring it all to me, in it's true form. I will wait for it. My silence isn't avoidance, it is just time to collectively place all that I should hold. With all that you give, I become stronger. I will hold it all, if I can. The places have been set, areas made to embrace. When we purge ourselves of these impurities we have that moment.. or time.. of clarity. If only we could just vomit it all out, such as it came. With force. But, we can not.. and will not.. Ever. So, step forward in this "Rat Race" and pour it out. Let it just flow, without hesitation. Lay it all down, and it will be collected. Until of course, the next wave comes that chains you down. I will remain silent, with few words only used to offer the motion inside of what has become "Tainted." A simple "suggestion" can move many thoughts, so prepare for all of them to show their ugly faces yet again. But, know that as quick as they come.. they can leave. With mere words. Those same words.. are weapons. Yet they wield such a mastery and beauty all in one fell swoop, the irony. Such complexity? Do we understand, or are we still lost.. searching?

Pour them on to me. I can see, hear and be.. what is needed to be.
I will still stand tomorrow, regardless. That is my being.
Let me carry as much as I can, for you.
Because when I compile all with an innocent greed, it pulls it all away from what is..
Carried by me.

The World is my Canvas..

Even on a simple walk, I look at what surrounds me. I look at "Areas" left untouched, and I become drawn into them. They seem to "Scream at me." You could walk into there in the morning, noon, or night and to you it would be nothing. But, to me.. it is another "Surface." We've been deemed "Egomaniacs" by the people who harbor anger towards us. But, who really has the ego? The one who just pours his or her heart out onto that one fleeting moment, or the one who looks at the "Art" of someone and says "It's a crime." I suppose that "Cat and Mouse" game is necessary for one side more then another. But, I have accepted the fact that I am nothing more then what I allowed my self to pour out on a simple piece of concrete or brick.. or what have you. My ego needs no "Tendering." I appreciate what I am, and have become. I am that person you see during the day, smiling and helping you attend to your "Normal" life. But by the night, I am what you would call a "Deviant" or.. a "Vandal." I am what you embody as something of disgust, yet you still can't help but stop and stare. They say "A Criminal returns to the scene of the crime." Yes, we do... as we have been titled. I go back to see what I felt, then. What I carried with me, to that place to pour out. I view what I have done, also to keep me "Human." I'll never know your angst, or why you hate me. All of your feelings, I leave in my shadows. Maybe someday you will appreciate my "Beauty" or the.. "Purity" of what I do. Rather then condemn me, and take everything that means something to me.. away. We may talk, on a normal day. You could see my face, on a normal day. But, when night falls.. I am that shadow that you have. I am that person that when you drive by, you look briefly.. and discard. I am all of those things that you don't know how to place.

But, I know how to place what I feel.. and what I need at that moment.
And it comes in simple letters.
So, understand me.. and don't fear what you don't know.
We both see the world for what it is.. Beautiful.

The Moment...

We hide what we are, but yet.. We hide from what we are. Without wearing it, the masks we "Wear" are visible. How do we find reprieve? What do we do, when we realize that all we have done will amount to nothing? Where do we turn when the odds seem to overwhelm us? All these thoughts that we think, and things we claim to "Perceive" we must abandon. As we pursue this act of selflessness, we are left with nothing but a "Void" so.. it would seem. But, with all these things we see or perceive with negative connotations, there are the many things laying in the "Darkness" that we choose not to see. Emotions are a moment, based on moments. Experiences. We must realize sometimes, that the "Control" lies with in no one. Actions are just another expression of our underlying emotions. How, then.. do we overcome this vicious cycle? All those things we repress, our anger.. fear.. insecurities, and inability to address life on "It's Terms" will either be our "Salvation" or our "Undoing." We will always fall into the constant security of looking at what has transpired around us, or will transpire and allowing emotions to dictate a "Pause" of our "Coping." Accept, or embrace the fact that what will occur in your next moments will be out of your hands. Do not let the negativity or the "Darkness" that we all carry or "Wield" consume you. Just understand that once this day's time has reached it's end.. or in some cases if you do not recognize days versus night.. allow yourself that one moment you need. A moment, to.. Breathe. No one is capable of accomplishing great "Feats" no matter what you have read, prior. There is always something, or someone who gives you the ability to escape yourself and bring out what you ( subconsciously have known is there ) no matter what the compiled odds are. Do not allow the world to pollute you. We were all brought into this world "Pure." Anything we feel, or act on is what we have learned. Know that, and let those binding haunting "Demons" to rest.. even if only for that moment. Let your beauty radiate.

And be what your are..
Someone who wants to live..
Someone who will live, knowing tomorrow will be there..
Be someone.

And do not hide, even if for that one time.
Be, what you are.. "A Being."

The Bag

This is in direct response to the Question:
"Why would you be in a bag, and have to talk yourself out of it."
Enjoy.




In my case, I would enter the bag in pursuit of something that I might have assumed I put inside of it. However, once in the bag I would scower it and make sure no corner was left untouched in pursuit of this... "This thing." But, the truth is the bag is a trap. Once in there you are confined inside your own mind. You now begin to realize that you are unable to allow yourself to exit "This Bag." Thinking quickly, the only logic is to "Talk your way out of the Bag." Without knowing it, you are talking "Yourself" out of "This Bag" in order to regain what you had lost prior to entering "This Bag." Once, you have completed all of those steps you will come to realize one simple thing... "There is No Bag."