An Answer to my last Entry..

After some serious consideration, conversation.. and of course taking a peek at my comments.. I decided to give my point of view. It may be a mess, and may drift to something confusing.. Bear with me please.

So, here goes:

A man once told me: "Behind every great man, there is a strong woman." We were at his daughter's wedding, which I knew the groom... But that's not important. This man, raised his child pretty much by himself. Sadly, his wife died while she was still young. Dedicated his life to making sure she has everything she needs. That, to me.. is great.. is it not? But somehow, I think he believed his words. I think he believed that he wasn't as great of a man as he should be. I asked him.. "How do you do it?" Funny, because the whole while he was staring up at the sky with the most innocent smile on his face. He simply replied.. "You just do it, you don't think.. you just do it." I think I understand this man, and also why he was staring at the sky with that look. He was smiling.. because he felt his wife could see him, and what he had done for their child.

That is just one example of some of the things I think about. As far as myself, well I wish I could be a portion of that man. But, I am not. If I was anything other then myself.. I wouldn't be myself. I.. am used to constant ups and downs, disappointments, achievements, happiness and pain. Then again, aren't we all? By that man's theory, about great men having strong women behind them I suppose I don't fit that mold. I don't have the "Cliche" woman behind me. So, where do I get it? Well, I'll be honest. When I fall, I fall hard. Historically, there hasn't been someone to catch me. Not whining, just stating the facts. I.. prefer it that way. Sure things may seem at their worst, but.. they can't get much lower then that.. right? When you finally look around you, and see what has occured. When you notice the things that maybe.. just maybe you didn't see before. That.. is when it begins for me.

My strength, my drive..

It starts with anger. Yes, anger. I become terribly angry with what has happened. Not angry at others, or in a pity type of way. I mean angry that my Pride, has let this happen. Angry that I.. have become THIS. This thing that I can't accept, won't accept.. I refuse it. But even.. anger has it's limitations for me. Like the adrenaline rush you get when angry, this too goes away. My true drive, true strength? Well, that.. That comes from others. Alone, I can only do so much. But, for others.. I am limitless. What I mean by this, is the people that care about you.. Truly, honestly and genuinely care do not want to see you at your worst. They want you to succeed, to be happy and prosperous.. and have everything you desire in life with no pain. But, more importantly.. I get strength from someone.. Needing me. Depending on me to help them out, and get through things. As weak as I am sometimes, I'll never show it. People wouldn't want me that way, as I wouldn't want them that way either. You push on.. sometimes. Just like he said.. Simply because you have to. You don't think, you just do it. And yes, that man also.. Gives me strength to push on. Funny isn't it? I don't really know him that well, but I understand him.

So, you see.. That man. He was in fact a great man. He won't tell you that though. He is a great man, because he helped to make a strong woman. And of course, she is behind him.. To this day.

What drives you..

Every once in a while.. Life suprises us. Not always in the way we want. Sometimes, things work in our favor.. or sometimes.. things just happen with no negative or positive. Then again, everyday of life.. is a suprise.. is it not? Once your eyes open you may have an idea of what is going to be there.. you did see it before you closed them. Not everything is.. routine. There is that variable.. the one that does not guarantee anything. Maybe my outlook is rather.. narrow. I can say that I know some people who have limitless drive. When it would seem that you should see the wrongs in the world... they find and bring out beauty. Not only in themselves.. but others.. even objects.. everything around us. Being able to look past it all. Finding beauty.. in simplicity.

Where does it come from, what is it that makes you able to do this.. Be like this.. Overcome all this with such ease. Or is that it? It's not easy, but you don't show it. You make the best of what you are given, and share it with others so they will get a taste of the lovely treasure you call life. Especially when you look around and there is soo much wrong in the world today, give me a bit of your strength.. or just a glimpse of how you see things so I can know..

What drives you..

It is, what it is...

I'm tired. I have spent too much time day in and day out, looking. It's almost as though I will never be able to find it. Sometimes I am graced with a mirage, but like anything else.. It goes away. Gives some of it's time, and it's beauty. But leaves, gone.. without a trace. Then.. Like nothing happend, I get up... and continue on again. Continue on, as I watch the last part of it slip through my fingers.. like a fine sand.

I'll never get any of that back. It will never return, vanished without warning.. or a trace. I do know that just as sure as I am that the sun will rise tomorrow.. it will be there. Waiting. Waiting for me to come back. Staying just out of my reach everytime I try to grasp it. Then.. just as I am about to give up.. when I feel I have used everything I have and failed.... I feel it. Even if only for a moment.. I feel it. And at that moment.. that brief moment as it all floods back in to me.. Restoring my ambition, my fears, my hope, my pain.... It becomes clear.

I see it for what it is now. This is something you have to work to have. This is something that will scare you. It is something that will make you able to endure anything.. just to hold on to it. It will also remind you at times when you feel nothing is there.. it is and to not give up. But, it will also take you over, make you vulnerable.. and if you lose sight of yourself.. become blinded by all of it.. It will hurt you.

It will hurt you terribly, with no warning.. sometimes no reason. It will take all of the good away, in one terrible motion. We can become demons because of it. Puppets made to do things that we know are wrong, but are lured into doing... All because of it. Sometimes it breaks us down to where we think we can't go on.. and we make an exit. Such a powerful.. yet horrible thing.

I'll never stop looking. I know I am not alone in this. We will all continue to search to have it. When you do have it.. Value it's time. Know that it may not stay that long.. Make the best of it. Cherish it...

But don't forget.. to fear it.

Think about it..

"Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery, and today.. is a gift. That's why it's called.. Present."




And thatis a fact.

How we see things..

In a conversation early this morning I learned something..

I learned that maybe I could be wrong. Maybe, just maybe.. I could be. During this conversation and all it entailed, the things explained to me struck a nerve. I felt what was being explained, I could envision that person's anguish.. fear. So, instinctively my reaction to people ill treated is I wish something equally as awful upon the people who deliver the pain. The more and more I thought about it, as more things were explained.. it shifted. Shifting to the hope of remorse through force, or a barrage of things flooded to them.. before they leave this world. In a sense.. a final measure to show a person with no regard for anyone other then themselves, or their own selfish needs their years of devotion to punishing others. When the concept of the afterlife was brought up to me.. about their suffering in it.. I didn't falter. Stayed with the same ideas. The amazing thing is.. The person.. The actual person telling me this whole scenario, watching it first hand.. experiencing it.. Was still able to want nothing ill upon someone. After all that..

Amazing really... Here I am, thinking in my mind that people of that nature deserve some final act of punishment. Something to finalize their end, in a way.. finalize it by returning one act of pain for years of it. But.. I am wrong. So horribly wrong. All thinking like mine does, is just continue the cycle. In the end no one wants to have what happened to them happen to anyone else...

From another view.. Why bother with one sweeping act. They lived their lives as themselves, not knowing anything other then their self indulgent ways. And that in itself.. is punishment enough.

Thank you for opening my eyes.. I didn't realize they were closed..

Concepts: 2009

Feel free to critique. And by critique I mean.. leave me something legit.. not stupid shit like.. "It sucks." Give me something along the lines of.. "It sucks because the design is shitty, the color schemes are bad, the guy looks like a Gator raper, etc." Did these on 1 hour of sleep and some interesting beats.

Artists:

Jedi Mind Tricks: Trail of Lies

"Classic" Compilation of: Kanye West, KRS One, Nas, and Rakim

Lil' Wayne: Upgrade U-Freestyle

"If music is peoples lives, and words are their weapons... Tell me why we stay faced in creative recession?"

What's on the menu?

I'll admit it..
I was excited.. a little nervous, for once I was early..
Or was she late? Either way.. killed time in the cold.. some pacing.
Then as quick as a shot, a thought came quick.. What.. are you doing.. What is this?
Too many thoughts came flooding in, hard to sift through them all. Seemed like seconds, a minute most. But next thing I know.. My name, I heard it. Now, I'll blame the cold for not moving fast. It was rather cold out today, so that's not a lie. It was almost as if, for that one second things.. just.. Stopped.
Dead stopped, Freeze.
"Gather yourself man, what are you doing.."
It would be safe to assume we all have a comfort thing.. that we do when nervous. All depending on the situation..
For me.. I applied a smirk, masking all this other unnecessary trivial baggage.
I never paid so much attention to someone before, yet... stared right through them..
Don't misunderstand me.. I looked in front of me, and I was made to feel like a kid..
So unsure, not wanting to slip up. Palms sweating, realizing I had managed to get an ice coffee.. when I hadn't bought one.
Gradually I felt my mind slipping, all that was being expressed was.. just a mess. I began to lose myself in the thoughts of, I should leave..
I felt in a sense as if I was a bad person, for having some one in front of me how clearly had an interest...
And I had to.. Struggle.. To keep interested?
But, I was.. interested.
Now, it gets complex.
I didn't want to leave, but I had to go. I knew from just being there, this was a good person...
Just not for me.

Let's step back.
Now she had me with her smile, dressed so proper.. Throwing in a rhyme now..
"Princess and a Pauper.."
We talked for some time. Most of the time I analyzed my thoughts..
Continued with a smile, and listened.. But, I can't help wonder... Did she know..
Was I rude?
They say having common interests are a plus. In this case, they weren't there. I was kindly reminded.. that my coffee was still untouched. So.. observant.
I remember the scent.. What was it.. I'd really like to know..
Slowly I realized, I had no idea what I wanted..
Not just today, but twenty minutes from now. Maybe ten seconds from now, or even.. before I die. It'll come to me at some point, it should at least...
I am.. just..
Completely unsure..
But there is one thing I know for sure...

I never even touched... That damn coffee..

It all starts somewhere..

So..

New to this, I find myself at a loss on what to say.. Staring at this.. minutes just slipping away. I may put things in here that rhyme, but.. not all the time. This first one will be short, as I starve for the right things to say. Or, maybe I should just ramble.. just ramble away?

I think I'll stop here, and leave it at that..
An Intro is an Intro...
Now, That.. is that.

oNe.