Speak, Spoken.

After some long consideration, and staring at my last post.. I thought.
And this is what I came up with..

I've known a lot of people. Well, I still do. But, I have seen a lot of "Loved Ones" leave. Some were unexpected, and some.. were just unexpected to others. I still wonder.. was everything said? Did they feel as though they had tied up every loose end? I would imagine there was a mess left unsaid..

I suppose I am making this in the hopes.. if anything was to happen I would have some form of documentation of my "Thoughts." I can honestly say, that everyone I have met.. I am glad I did. No matter if there was some "Bad outcome" in whatever form of the relationship. ( Whatever it may have been. ) I will make this more and more broad, as it goes on. First, I say thank you. To anyone and everyone who has had some form of interaction with me. Thank you, for a moment of your time. Thank you, for even listening to nothing that I may have said. Because maybe what wasn't said was meant to be left unsaid. But not misunderstood. I value the people I have met, and taken in. Taken in close to me, that is. Some people say keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. But, why bother. I'd much rather keep people that should be close to me, Close. From simple conversations, and interactions.. people have shown me different views on things that I was obviously too blind to see. Allowed me to comprehend another way to "Feel" something, "View" something. Forced me to realize things, the hard way. Shoved me down to the ground. Watched me fall, and picked my ass back up. Abandoned me, stayed by my side. Became indifferent. And continued to be true to who they were/are.. and others. I suppose I could rant on, and just flood out more shit. But, I'll close with..

"The hardest thing I have ever accomplished, was that first word.. with you."

Again, this is vague. But, if you know me.. then you know I am referring to you. And now.. "Some things are NOT.. left unsaid."

Thank you.

0000000000000002

"I guess.. the only thing I want to believe is that when I die I will meet everyone I love/d and miss.. in the end."

000000000000000001

At this moment,

I realized.

It's time for a change.
This very second, I surrender.

4th day, today.

Haven't really posted in a while. So, I decided to make another brief post while I have a minute.. or two.

It would seem my mind is keeping me busy lately. But, I don't mind it. The more I look around, the more it makes me smile. Maybe details were trivial to me before, but things just keep looking better and better now.

Even though there is still much to be done.

A Smile..

Sometimes..
Something so simple.. as a smile..
Can make everything all the more..
Worth while.

Thank you...

In the Moment..

I say this now, in the moment.
Because this is where I am. I know it's moving forward, but for some reason I feel as though I am lagging behind. Maybe, I have been left behind. Maybe..
But, I am not blind to this. I see things around me, and.. I am not trying to catch anything but maybe recapture what I may have lost. Although, I know I can not. So, I will let time move on.. with or with out me. If it's progressing, and you are.. move on. I will make my own progress, and maybe catch up with you. My life and moments.. are an hour glass.

And, I look straight through and see.. My time is near.
As I watch these grains move through slowly, I know that the remaining ones I need to make sure.. Count.
"With the closure of one Era, comes another."

I will embrace this change, as I glance to it.. with a smile. Turn my back, and.. walk away.

I will make my own time, rather then make up.. Time.

Today

I'll just let my mind wander today.

Allow it to feed.. off of everything else around me. The car, that drove too close. The tree that is just about dead, but.. continues to hang there. The pattern in the sky.. from the plane. It looks like, part of a spine. And of course, the sun.

Shining down on me. It did, again. Yes, today.. it did again. Cutting right through the trees like a hot knife in butter. It found me.

At that moment, when I paused and looked up..
Nothing else mattered.

The tough thing to see..
Is..
There's beauty..
In simplicity.

You said..?

I figure it to be like this..

I don't know what's going on, anymore. I can't waste my time with it. I'll gladly help you. If I move forward, I won't leave you behind. Not a chance. But, I can't wait around for you..

The more I try to reach to you, the farther.. you seem to become.

Those words were said to me, in a dream.
It's amazing..
I actually woke up, with a tear on my cheek.

I need more dreams like this..
But, I need you to say more things to me..
Please.

Words.

Words.

We all use them daily. Freely. Normally without hesitation. I can't decipher them anymore. It's hard for me to know, what is what. Maybe I looked at those words, and I froze because.. I was in shock. Maybe, I still am. Sometimes, we take things.. to serious. And, not take things as serious.. when we should? Even at this moment, I don't know which ones I should use. Making it near impossible, to coherently complete this. I heard some words, so beautiful.. that I thought true. But, they were just a short lived dance with delusion. The euphoria passed, as quick as I regained my heartbeat. That pause, brought on a rapid shift in my mind. In that moment.. that instance. I felt..

Alive.

But alas..
They were.. just words.

It's been a while..

Everything has just managed to flow all in to one..
One, constant stream of the same routine. I lack those fleeting moments of impulse.
Each step I take, I know where it's leading me. I wish to break this routine.
I know at the end of it, there is something waiting for me.. But, don't I deserve something more? Once.. in a while?
All I am left with, is.. just gazing. Looking at the things I have done before. With nothing new to show for myself.. or show myself.
I realize this before I close my eyes for the final time awaiting rest. And have come to accept it when I am able to comprehend what is going on around me, when I awake.

But, can't I just for one moment..
A fleeting moment..

Have more?
One.. last time?

Drawn to..?

My best time lately has been spent..
In my dreams.

I can't tell you all of what happened in them. But, I know that when I managed to wake up.. I didn't want to. I was told, you are tired. But, I know that's not it. I just know that something in there, was comforting. I didn't want to let it go, ever. I wish I could tell you what it was. Even though I never broke my cycle of waking up in spans of two to three hours segments.. I easily fell back into that lull. Just as though I never even awakened from it. Even now, I wish I could go back there. To whatever it is.. It was. I wish I knew what was so alluring about it. So, I would know why I am being drawn back to it. It's surely not a lack of sleep, because I am getting far more then what I normally do. I know, I am having a more active subconscious then I am accustomed to. Waking up panting, not knowing where I am, what day it is.. or unable to focus for what seems like an eternity. Yet, it's only a matter of minutes. Heart pounding as I awake, all those things.. I know my dreams have been intense. I have endure more in there, then I have awake.

So, maybe that's it.
Perhaps, I go back to possibly fight off.. or experience as much as I can. Those "Good Dreams" could lure me back in to comfort. The "Bad Dreams" could give me a false sense of accomplishment.

Either way..
The days out here, are boring.
I'll take my chances......

Time to Keep my Distance.

All I can do now, to keep myself safe.. and keep you all at bay.
Is continue to back up, and push you away.
More and more, I just see the clay chipping away. One mask..
One day..
Many faces, fade away.
Now, I am staring at something I never thought I'd see.
Was I too blind, caught in myself? To notice, this happening?

I feel okay about this, though.
When I stand before myself in the mirror, there is something looking back.
Me.
After all this time, when you look in the mirror. After your faces have fallen, masks peeled back and we are left with this mess.

What do you see, looking back when you open your eyes?

Missing Title..

I suppose,

I don't really have much to say this time. I just need to say something. Allow me to just blurt some things.. right from my mind. From that deep dark well, I call a heart. I am tired, both physically.. and emotionally. I feel like lately, I am just drained. Constantly feeling as though every instance is pulling what little I have left, right out. There is no reason for this, I know. Well, maybe there is. I mean, I have been under some stress as of late.. but aren't we all? I'm not complaining, my issues aren't worse then yours. I just don't know..

Not sure what to say, but I want to say something. But, seems like I am saying a jumbled mess of nothing. In my constant walks, I have many thoughts.. about many things. Yet, sadly.. I can't recall all of it.

"If I could give you something, from empty space. I would use my voice, to put a smile on your face. Making something from nothing, is what I do. And I will give it.. to you."

A moment's notice?

There are some moments..

Just moments. That you can actually see things clearly, the reality of it is.. we are ever so enveloped in a messy mass of ever-burdening baggage. We easily over look the welcoming opportunity to just.. glance. Look. I am not speaking.. epiphany. I mean the small, simple.. trivial things. Like that bag.. blowing around like it has a purpose, in the wind. Or, maybe that random item on the ground that you walk by.. that you can't help but look at.. And smile. Maybe it's that song that you have on, as you continue to "Move on" and you just look around you. Who knows, right?

I would assume, we have those moments. I know, I have.
And anything, that can put a smile on your face.. or on the face of someone else.. is not a waste.
Right?

For example, I hold doors. I pick things up for people, I say nothing.. and ask nothing in return. Reflex, I guess. However, I would like to think that possibly I had subliminally persuaded someone to act in a manner outside of their.. "Norm."
And if we all exercise this, maybe in some far stretch.. way off in a future I will never see.. We could be better off.

So, to do something for someone else.. shouldn't you do something for you? Maybe?
Try it, and more importantly..
Look around you.
Life, is ever present.

Seems so Slow.

If I only knew then, what I know now..
Where would I be, who.. would I be?
Would I still be who I am, or.. some different man?
How can I say for sure I would like to know?
Maybe, I should just leave it alone.
We're born with wonder..
And we take it with us, when we die.

So, I won't tell you much more.
Or think too much in to it.
I suppose anything we get, we should cherish.

Time keeps dragging on..

Gifts..

"Given to me were three things, that day. My eyes, my hands.. and my mind. So, I may see what may be in front of me. My hands so that I can touch.. these things and know the simple pleasures of the small feelings of tangible things.. in this world. And my mind, to engulf itself with the wonders.. of what could be. To process all of these things, the other two can not. To decipher without touching and seeing.. what the world holds... and the people in it."

Confused..

I can't figure this out, myself. Meaning I can't figure out.. myself. What are you trying to say to me? Am I saying anything, to you? Should I be thinking about you, if.. you are thinking about me? Am I the only one, thinking. Over thinking, maybe I am under thinking? I wonder, what you.. are thinking. Could it be, that you are thinking about me, thinking. Or, perhaps you are thinking about me thinking.. and thinking that I am thinking.. about you?

Maybe I am.. the only one thinking, but I can't stop now. It/ you are inside my mind now. You stay there with the other mess of things that.. I continue to think about. You, however.. are different. There is the intrigue, yet.. I don't know if I should be allowing my mind to think that far into this. Into, you. You have over taken my mind, as of late. Never did you reside so comfortably inside, of this mind.. of mine.

Is it the thrill of the hunt, that grips me? Yet, I have done no hunting? The fact that you dance inside my mind with your words, confusing me? I can not place my finger on what it is, exactly that is moving my mind in all types of directions. Your words, they grace me.. yet send me into depths of constant quizzing and questions. Interrogation, of myself. But, why? Haven't found that piece, that links me.. My mind.. to you.

This is all so confusing to me, not being able to press my hand on to my face... and clear my mind. Clear it of all the things, that I can not make sense of.. Keeping me confused. Is constant now, this ongoing pursuit of the "Thing" that will make me understand.

It's silly really, because I can place my finger on it. But when I do, it opens up another overpowering barrage of mysteries that I can not put to rest. So, I know what it is that is making you stay in my mind.. using my brain to test.. me. It's YOU. "You" are what is confusing to me, but I am confused about being confused. Now, that is confusing. It's confusing to me, because am I confused about you.. truly? Or am I confused as to what you are saying to me? You confuse me..

But why...

"The Times.. they are A-Changing"

I have seemed to stumble upon something in this ongoing continuation of my days, or shall I call it.. "Life." Many people before me have had my ideas, my concepts, feelings, and theories. Some things transcend history, I have learned. Something so simple I may have enlightened myself to, possibly because I wasn't looking. Some people base a lot of their decisions and thoughts upon facts, however I have found that the most simple things hold the most intriguing historical and profound chronological information. For example, if you look back in things like music it will depict years/times. Music is the perfect outlet or informational tool in this "Theory" of mine. Dare I say, that in years past music really held a motivational presence. As well, it also held a strong negative connotation. Even though in this day and age, we have numerous "Technological Outlets" and "Resources" like anything else.. These are "watered down" and or manipulated. As they most likely were in our years behind us, but just walk back for a little. Walk back, and see the emotional out pour that some of the people of history and those times have blessed us with. Even if you do not like the genre, per say.. Listen. Absorb the words and emotions of our "Ancestors or Elders" or.. family. Just take in all of what they are saying, and soak it all in. In this day and age, as busy as we are.. in one moment it could all vanish. Just be wiped.. away. But, the songs.. words.. emotions.. that these people have graced us with.. are timeless.

We'll never know what truly transpired before "Our Time" and quite possibly, someone similar to myself or yourself may have this same thought. We all know that ( outside of places in particular circumstances ) information and theories are recycled. No one creates a thought on their own. It is based off of something learned. Shared information is how we continue to advance. We take what we are given from one, and bestow it upon another. Willing, or not. But, is it all of what was intended? Or did we just take what we wanted from it.. and make it "Our Own?"

In my eyes, for the raw input on some things.. as small and meager as it may be. Look into music, look into small things deemed "Poems" or.. thoughts. Dig into some things that may be nonsensical. There is always something underlying with informational value. Extract it, and piece things together for yourself.

Because in essence, that is what we have done.. chronologically.

Thank you, to whomever may have read this. I hope it may have sparked some sort of curiosity and/ or interest into your history. Our history.


Watch the enclosed video, and hear out the words. It was the whole underlying concept to this "rant."

From the Mind, of the Misunderstood...

I can't deny this feeling. It's there, unsettling. I awake, it staying with me. Like anything else, I try to ignore it being present. But, who am I fooling? Not you, certainly not me. I talk, yet the words I let pour out from my mouth have no value. They are just things I have to say, or need to say to get by. To pass the time. My interest is elsewhere, already devoted to this dark cloud looming. I have accepted it as a part of me, yet at a moments notice I would denounce it.. If I could. I would give anything to just cast it aside like some form of garbage. Like something unimportant and trivial, but it's not. I'm infected, letting it become a whole.. In my being. Is this fear? I once thought I knew what that was, I thought I had mastery over my emotions. It would seem, that it has all been a farce. Or maybe I just diluted my mind in believing I could decipher the difference. Could it have been I have been an egomaniac all this time? Thinking I was above these type of feelings? Elevating myself to some false plateau? Did I just create some illusion?

And now I stand here all alone, nothing more important then one thing. Time. Time, like the sands in an hour glass with just continue to flow. That final grain of sand I will await. I would like to see it coming, but I know that is far fetched. That would be the thoughts of some "Elitist." Humbling really, this is. Yet, that everlasting urge taunts me. I know why, I am here at this desolate area. It was because of me. I alone, made this "Wasteland" per say. Flooding this post, my emotions just pour out. Maybe some will understand, most will not. But we have all carried some underlying pain, it is inevitable as humans. Almost as though, we were born for error. Born for pain, born to self destruct. Take the worst thing anyone you know has experience and dig deep into it. There is always a lesson to be learned in everything, be it a simple theft. Or some sort of brawl, or even a broken relationship. If we do not learn from our mistakes, or the mistakes of others.. History is bound to repeat itself.

What will I do tomorrow, I am unsure. What will you do tomorrow? They say to pursue dreams, and live life with no regrets...

But, that is the words of a maniac.
Maybe I will lose this urge soon..

However, I can't say for sure...

"Loyalty among some, is Priceless. Loyalty among others, is wasted."

Fine Line

There is a thin line between Good, and Evil.

We are supposed to be able to decipher between these two.
Does one "Good" deed make "Him" a "Hero?"

It is supposed to be simple, but yet as it stands now..


It is not..

Just a quick blurb

I just wish sometimes, I could pull out the correct words to say. But, I don't. I have too much running through my mind, that I can't pull the right thought out.

And I'm sorry.

I'll get it straightened out sometime. Then and only then will I have mastery of what I want to portray. But, for now..

I'll just fumble over some small insignificant blurbs and words, hoping.. yet praying not to be heard. Keeping low, my voice so I won't say aloud what I know is absurd. I will keep it all tucked away deep in my head, far away inside...

And for that, for now..
I am sorry.

But, what can you do.. sometimes?
I can't tell you what to see, or how to see.
So, just open your eyes.. don't be blind. And see.
I'll learn how to speak.

No need for a title. Read if you want.

I'll forever be standing still. Stopped. Just looking around, for what? I myself don't know. I just know I will watch all of you pass right by me. I'll smile with that complacent smile, but.. when I see you move on I will wash it away. Comfort. I felt it, once before.. not recently. But, I won't expect these things for me. Not daily, that is for sure. Then again I should not even expect them on the grand scheme. That would be selfish, would it not? Selfish? We're all so Selfish. But, I can't have that as my crutch for my actions, can I? That would make me almost.. Spiteful? Would it not? To watch another, and yearn for what they have.. would indeed corrupt me. I know this, deep inside. Now that I have made that pass, I can humble myself again. Where do I go from here? Well, not so much "Me" but.. where does anyone go from here? When they have seen things pass them by, and dive into the "wonder" of their mind looking deep into what has been.. and what could be? Then again, where is this rant going? Where does anything.. go? The funny thing is, we will or.. ( I ) will dismiss these thoughts at a whim.. and not worry about such things until they resurface. Kind of like "Love." Wait.. What? Did you say.. Love is dismissed willingly, and brought back into light by our own will? I thought "Love" was constant and burrowed deep into our hearts? One would say that "Love" resides inside. Yet, I ask this to those who claim to wield "Love" freely. Ask these things of yourself.. and when you answer ( Truthfully to yourself.. not me ) I ask you to again view what I am saying.

Do you awake with "Love" on your mind? Truthfully.
Do you differentiate between "Love" and "Companionship?"
Do you believe that your "Love" for the one you say you "Love" is unconditional?
Do you realize that using "Love" as a weapon to surpass all odds is abusing it?
Would you truly give up all that you are for the one you.. "Love?"
Do you understand "Love" as something more then just a word?

Maybe I stand still for now watching everyone pass me by, but then again..
Maybe... Just maybe.. I am looking deeper into something that scares me.
I see everyone wearing this "Word" all over themselves and throwing it where ever they want. And I go back to what I thought I knew as "Love." I go back to what I thought I knew as me in.. "Love." I listen to the people telling me that "If I look for it, I will find it."

So tell me. If I am too blind to see "Love" for what it is..
What am I looking for, if you all know so well.
And..
How are you so sure what you have.. is "Love?" Or is it just our human desire to seek "Companionship" with another person?

There is someone who needs me, regardless of my flaws and what I have done. She needs me for me. She needs me because in her mind I am the one thing that matters, and I will never trade or.. "Get rid of her" regardless of how tough things get. She knows I am committed to her, and want nothing more for her then to be happy.. genuinely. She needs me, because I need her. She can't care for herself, and without her..
I would be dead.

That.. is "Love." That.. is selflessness. That.. is the yearning deep in your heart. Some may say I am wrong, however.. until you have seen the world in my angle I can say..
You will never know.

You may say, I should see it in your eyes? Well, ask me. I have. Please, ask me about this.. for one second.. I yearn for input. I am a sponge. Tell me whatever you think.

But for now, I stand still. Watching you all pass by. Time is moving, I know. But, where I am standing.. Let nothing move. Because once it moves on, I can't have it back. Ever. Not even with what people call a "New Beginning."
I'll never get back this "Love."
So, keep yours. Maybe, just maybe.. we will see eye to eye.

But, unless you can see what I see..
I doubt it.

05-31-02.
"Love, amongst a haze of chaos.. was born."

-I love you, and I always will.-

Amongst the Clouds

I went outside tonight feeding the craving for nicotine, a bad habit.. I know. The moon was not covered, unlike a few hours previous. Now, this may seem rather normal to others but something.. caught my eye. The moon sat amongst clouds, again.. normal.. right? As I continued to look up at the sky I noticed the clouds seemed as though they we being drawn to something. The moon illuminating their path, the trees in the horizon covering their destination. Not as though without the trees there, I would be able to see where they went. But, to me I was awestruck.. wondering where they were going. What could it be that was "pulling them in." I looked away from the moon and where they were "heading" only to see the chain continuing. Streams upon streams, just flowing in succession to somewhere.. And I wanted to know where. The light from the moon laying gently on these streams of clouds.. flowing onwards into what would seem as nothingness. I.. wanted to be there. I wanted to be where they all meet, and see what it was that was drawing them in. With consideration of how big this planet is, I know that would probably be unrealistically far from me. But that meant nothing. In that fleeting moment all of these logical thoughts just seemed to wash away, leaving me with this persistent curiosity. Where... is it? Where are they going? What could I find there? Why there? Why not right here, with me? The cigarette came closer, and closer to it's end. My thoughts then ventured a different avenue. What if.. those clouds were not being drawn into something. What if, just maybe.. they were leaving that "place" and attempting to cover us all? Slowly allowing us to bask in some gentle beauty. Because it was beautiful, in my eyes. Maybe whatever "it" was sent all of them out to ease us into sleep? My cigarette has burned out by now, and has been tossed away to take its course.. and expire. These clouds seemed not to move, no wind tonight either. It was calm, and quiet. With me just left "Star Gazing" with.. no stars? Maybe all that was meant to happen was the moon to bring light to this.. and allow us to view it. Allow us to ponder this concept that I had stumbled upon? Maybe.. just maybe.. There is no explanation. No reason at all? We should accept what we deem beautiful when it comes around, with no questions? "Take it for what it is?" But, I can't help but think.. If I didn't think.. and just merely looked up.. would it matter? If I didn't not look deeper inside of it, would it be as beautiful? Or would my thoughts have been embraced by someone else? Then again, for all I know someone else has seen this and felt the same thing I have.

Maybe those clouds were coming from them? Showing me the same thing they can see, or could it be.. I was sending the clouds to them?

Or maybe I am just over thinking this. I should just, perhaps.. take it in for what it is. A sight to be seen.. and from what I have done now..
A story, to be told.

Walk

I will carry all of your ill feelings, with ease. Bring them to me. Pour your soul into me, I promise it won't be for "Nothing." Expend what burdens you, into me. I'll use whatever I have to absorb it, now look.. Look deeply into yourself. See if you have have purged your demons. Walk now, thinking your weight has be lifted. Let the warmth of the water in your shower have it all run off into that drain. Close your eyes, and feel it all run down you. Are you free yet? Do you feel lighter? Have you been cleansed? You'll never feel "it" leave, you've just escaped it. I know, because I walk with it all. I embrace all of it, for you. Don't stop for a moment. Don't allow yourself to try to pull it back in. Bring it all to me, in it's true form. I will wait for it. My silence isn't avoidance, it is just time to collectively place all that I should hold. With all that you give, I become stronger. I will hold it all, if I can. The places have been set, areas made to embrace. When we purge ourselves of these impurities we have that moment.. or time.. of clarity. If only we could just vomit it all out, such as it came. With force. But, we can not.. and will not.. Ever. So, step forward in this "Rat Race" and pour it out. Let it just flow, without hesitation. Lay it all down, and it will be collected. Until of course, the next wave comes that chains you down. I will remain silent, with few words only used to offer the motion inside of what has become "Tainted." A simple "suggestion" can move many thoughts, so prepare for all of them to show their ugly faces yet again. But, know that as quick as they come.. they can leave. With mere words. Those same words.. are weapons. Yet they wield such a mastery and beauty all in one fell swoop, the irony. Such complexity? Do we understand, or are we still lost.. searching?

Pour them on to me. I can see, hear and be.. what is needed to be.
I will still stand tomorrow, regardless. That is my being.
Let me carry as much as I can, for you.
Because when I compile all with an innocent greed, it pulls it all away from what is..
Carried by me.

The World is my Canvas..

Even on a simple walk, I look at what surrounds me. I look at "Areas" left untouched, and I become drawn into them. They seem to "Scream at me." You could walk into there in the morning, noon, or night and to you it would be nothing. But, to me.. it is another "Surface." We've been deemed "Egomaniacs" by the people who harbor anger towards us. But, who really has the ego? The one who just pours his or her heart out onto that one fleeting moment, or the one who looks at the "Art" of someone and says "It's a crime." I suppose that "Cat and Mouse" game is necessary for one side more then another. But, I have accepted the fact that I am nothing more then what I allowed my self to pour out on a simple piece of concrete or brick.. or what have you. My ego needs no "Tendering." I appreciate what I am, and have become. I am that person you see during the day, smiling and helping you attend to your "Normal" life. But by the night, I am what you would call a "Deviant" or.. a "Vandal." I am what you embody as something of disgust, yet you still can't help but stop and stare. They say "A Criminal returns to the scene of the crime." Yes, we do... as we have been titled. I go back to see what I felt, then. What I carried with me, to that place to pour out. I view what I have done, also to keep me "Human." I'll never know your angst, or why you hate me. All of your feelings, I leave in my shadows. Maybe someday you will appreciate my "Beauty" or the.. "Purity" of what I do. Rather then condemn me, and take everything that means something to me.. away. We may talk, on a normal day. You could see my face, on a normal day. But, when night falls.. I am that shadow that you have. I am that person that when you drive by, you look briefly.. and discard. I am all of those things that you don't know how to place.

But, I know how to place what I feel.. and what I need at that moment.
And it comes in simple letters.
So, understand me.. and don't fear what you don't know.
We both see the world for what it is.. Beautiful.

The Moment...

We hide what we are, but yet.. We hide from what we are. Without wearing it, the masks we "Wear" are visible. How do we find reprieve? What do we do, when we realize that all we have done will amount to nothing? Where do we turn when the odds seem to overwhelm us? All these thoughts that we think, and things we claim to "Perceive" we must abandon. As we pursue this act of selflessness, we are left with nothing but a "Void" so.. it would seem. But, with all these things we see or perceive with negative connotations, there are the many things laying in the "Darkness" that we choose not to see. Emotions are a moment, based on moments. Experiences. We must realize sometimes, that the "Control" lies with in no one. Actions are just another expression of our underlying emotions. How, then.. do we overcome this vicious cycle? All those things we repress, our anger.. fear.. insecurities, and inability to address life on "It's Terms" will either be our "Salvation" or our "Undoing." We will always fall into the constant security of looking at what has transpired around us, or will transpire and allowing emotions to dictate a "Pause" of our "Coping." Accept, or embrace the fact that what will occur in your next moments will be out of your hands. Do not let the negativity or the "Darkness" that we all carry or "Wield" consume you. Just understand that once this day's time has reached it's end.. or in some cases if you do not recognize days versus night.. allow yourself that one moment you need. A moment, to.. Breathe. No one is capable of accomplishing great "Feats" no matter what you have read, prior. There is always something, or someone who gives you the ability to escape yourself and bring out what you ( subconsciously have known is there ) no matter what the compiled odds are. Do not allow the world to pollute you. We were all brought into this world "Pure." Anything we feel, or act on is what we have learned. Know that, and let those binding haunting "Demons" to rest.. even if only for that moment. Let your beauty radiate.

And be what your are..
Someone who wants to live..
Someone who will live, knowing tomorrow will be there..
Be someone.

And do not hide, even if for that one time.
Be, what you are.. "A Being."

The Bag

This is in direct response to the Question:
"Why would you be in a bag, and have to talk yourself out of it."
Enjoy.




In my case, I would enter the bag in pursuit of something that I might have assumed I put inside of it. However, once in the bag I would scower it and make sure no corner was left untouched in pursuit of this... "This thing." But, the truth is the bag is a trap. Once in there you are confined inside your own mind. You now begin to realize that you are unable to allow yourself to exit "This Bag." Thinking quickly, the only logic is to "Talk your way out of the Bag." Without knowing it, you are talking "Yourself" out of "This Bag" in order to regain what you had lost prior to entering "This Bag." Once, you have completed all of those steps you will come to realize one simple thing... "There is No Bag."

Begin again

Here I am again, though something is not the same. It's almost as though I have been walking with my eyes closed, or someone had the lights off. Things, people.. all different to me. But, it's beautiful to me at the moment. Though an absence rather short, it seemed very long. As though time just stopped upon my departure, but that was not the case. Everything around me, outside.. changed. I changed with it. The sun when once it seemed was dim and not present, now seems to shine down on me. Bathing me in it's soothing warm glow. Even the rain seems just ever so powerful to me. Like I have been out of touch for sometime, but that is the beauty of all of it. I lost myself during the build up, even the process. I thought what I knew, was really what it was. But it was not. And I was not, and that is where I stand now. Embracing this "Change" and staring it all in the face, I extend my arms and close my eyes. Things flash inside my mind, various colors and places.. some of which I have never seen. People, looking at me with confusion.. clips.. of everywhere and everything. It's all so overwhelming really, but.. I like it. I have had nothing but calm thoughts, accompanied by this smile.. that just will not leave me. Not, that I would want it to per say.. But, it just feels new. This new feeling I have, I just want to share. I need to, because I want people to feel the way I do. I know that some people, words just can't reach. However, maybe even if we can't reach them by words we can merely understand the people around us that we are "forced" to "exist" with. Perhaps, they will see my smile or.. be able to feel my presence and aura? Take the good from it and use it to better themselves? Maybe this is all just the thought of someone who wants so much more from people and the world then it is ready to deliver, or prepared to expend?

Be that as it may, the things that are behind me.. stay behind me. Hidden in my shadow, out of sight in the cover of that shadow. "Gone" maybe.. but not forgotten.

So, if I look to you with that smile and calm look... and I extend my hand to you.
What will you do? Will you hesitate or flinch, or will you look deep inside my eyes?
Decide.

Caught in the Moment

I'm just going to sit here, and soak it all in. You may not know I am looking, but I can't help it... I can't look away. Even though what you are doing is so simple.. It's beautiful to me. I'm taking it all in, you see. I can't get enough right now. I'm supposed to be okay, but I'm not. That doesn't matter though, it's about you. I know it's not really that long, but I am not accustomed to it. It is something I know not how to approach. Even now as I make this, my fingers twitch. I'll blame it on the coffee, much easier.. No? Composure. I must hold on to it, so it won't be hard for you. As it is now, just a matter of time and it begins.. and with that same matter of time it will end. The gap will be hard, for both.. I know. Probably more for me then you would comprehend at the moment. But that's the beauty in innocence. You're limited to other destructive thoughts, and ideas. So, when you smile.. it is a genuine smile.. and when you cry.. the tears are pure. I'm sorry I have to wear this smile knowing it's not true. But, I do it.. only to make things easier for you.

Time waits for no one, so don't get caught standing still.
But for now.. I'll just sit here..
And look at you.

At Rest

I saw you once again, but I knew it wasn't you. It was what I wanted you to be. What once was. It wasn't you at all. I stared full of confusion at you, and that beautiful smile. Haven't seen that in ages, seemed life in another life. I knew it wasn't real because you needed me, and told me everything would be okay. We had each other. I couldn't stop looking at you, and I didn't want to stop. I was looking at a mirage, a ghost.. just the thoughts of what once was. But.. I embraced this farce, like a child who has not seen a loved one in a while. I remember everything we did, which in reality was nothing. Just looked.. out across the broad wide world. This world.. that like you.. was a fake. I swear I could feel your heart beating as we embraced, it even skipped a beat. Raced a little like it used to. You whispered in my ear.. "You are amazing even in your weakest moments, do not allow your fears to stop you." I blinked, and you were farther away. Still that smile on your face, and you had your hand on your heart. Your eyes closed and you raised your arms... then you blew away like sand in the wind. I fell to my knees yelling "I hate you! I HATE YOU!" Those words just continued to fly out of my mouth as the last of you vanished. And now kneeling, I looked around.. at this place. This beautiful place you had left me in.. What was it? How did I not see this before? A few lights flashed, and I heard something that sounded like crashes of thunder. I felt heavy.. Soo.. heavy. I felt as though something was pulling me down towards the ground. Then I heard your voice again.. "I exist only where you want me to, and you know this.." I tried to fight the force dragging me down.. pulling so hard, it was too much for me to control. I lost. Flat, I lay against the ground.. I heard your voice again. "Be at peace with yourself, I will be with you always whenever you want.. whenever you need. Just come back to this place, and all you have to do is think of me. I will come." Laying there hearing that, it somehow soothed me.. I felt as though everything was okay. There was nothing in the world that I wanted to do more then to stand, but I was too comfortable.. it felt so right. Just then the voice returned but it was different this time, it sounded as if it was crying. The words came out in sobs.. "You're dreaming.."

Then I woke up.

The Hands of Fate

His eyes slowly opened. He could hear someone laughing. But not the type of laughter you want to hear, this laugh.. was maniacal. You could feel the evil flowing from it. That's when it all started rushing back to him. Where am I.. What has happened.. Is the battle over...? More and more his eyes regained focus, those that once were blurs manifested into their true forms. That is when he saw him. By then the laughing had ceased, and an eerie quiet took over accompanied by a smug grin. He has somewhat collected himself and tries to move.. But can't. The pain he feels from that attempt is incredible. It is evident that there are some serious injuries to his body. Many deep wounds. The man begins to laugh again then stops abruptly. "You can't to anything in that condition. I've won, don't you get it?" Again he tries to move, but the pain is unbearable. The man shakes his head. "You always were stubborn, weren't you. Why can't you just accept that you are about to die?" He felt something running down his cheek, but was unsure if it was a tear.. or just more blood. He knew he did not want to die like this, not until he took the head of the bastard that was before him. Mocking him.. laughing at him. This was not the way it was supposed to be. He had set out to find this man, solely due to the fact of the horrific crimes he had commited. This man was relentlessly pursued, every tip or hint not overlooked or disregarded. Everywhere this man went.. Death, destruction and despair was scattered. People senselessly murdered all because of a sick bloodlust. He saw the horror and pain inside the eyes of the few survivors. He even remembered the words of a man just before his death.. "Forgive him, and forget him. He will pay for what he has done in death. Please do not be another victim of him... Please.." The tears bellowed out of that mans eyes as his hand reached to the sky. He mouthed something before he passed which could not be understood. Sitting there feeling himself succumb to the wounds, he focused in on his mouth and thought over and over about what the dying man had said. He remembered his sister running in front of him to shield him from that man's attacks. All of it was playing in his head. Is this it? Am I dying.. is this what they are talking about? The flashes? He now knew, this was not blood.. it was tears. Tears of pain, suffering.. and overwhelming anger. Knowing his time was limited he finally spoke to that man before him with a sense of conviction. "You bastard.. you think it's over!? I will kill you if it's the last thing I do. I will not allow you any grace in life.. nor in Death. If you feel so confident that you can kill me... Duel with me." No one knows the real name of this man who is in front of him. Everyone up until now has just referred to him as "Death" solely due to the fact that Death is all that remains after he leaves. With all of his strength he manages to get back to his feet. He knows that his wounds have opened more, he can feel the blood just pouring out of him. The only way to do this is to allow him to wound me again.. and in that moment I will eliminate us both putting an end to all of this. "Death" scowled at him, watching him fight to retain his balance. "Death" sneers.. "You fool.. I shall send you straight to HELL." He grabs his sword and clenches is tightly. This will work.. IT HAS to WORK. They ready the weapons and a slight breeze can be felt. The adrenaline is rushing through him, he knows.. that he must make his move now. Or else he may not last that much longer. If I aim high.. he will attack low. I am sure of it!! They race towards each other, and he raises his sword high to leave his abdomen open. "Death" attacks the torso just as planned. The pain is horrible, he feels the blade enter into him and exit on the other side. Stuck. Got you, you FOOL. He starts to laugh now, in the same maniacal manner "Death" once had. A look of fear and confusion comes over "Death's" face. Regaining a smug look "Death" as he uttered one word.. "Goodbye." That was when the plan unraveled. In one hand he clenched his sword the other gripping "Death." He spit blood in "Death's" face.. let go of him and with both hands plunged his sword through "Death's" back and into himself. I'm not done yet.. I must hold on. I CAN'T GIVE UP!! "Death" screamed in agony.. "You insignificant fo.." Before the last words could be uttered, a dagger pierced his throat. "Death" gagged. He choked his words out "How could.. you. How could you.. Cero." The look of shock overtook Cero. That name... he had not used that name in years. In a lifetime. How does this man know.. my name!!? How can this be!? That name died with my mother years ago!! Looking into "Death's" eyes his saw something he hadn't seen since his years as a child. He saw his Mother. How cruel this fate is, this man.. this horrible man was his Brother. He was DEAD.. Mother told me.. HE WAS DEAD!!! The life was escaping them both by the second in this trap. In a flash, he was able to make out the words the dying man had said...
"But only you can kill one of your own blood."
They both collapsed still joined together by the blades. Cero stared into his brother's eyes as he knew their moment was approaching. "Kryseon" he murmured.. "I forgive you. Even.. after all of this.. I forgive you." Cero barely managed to grasp Kryseon's hand as the memories flashed of their brief childhood. The innocent brother he had once known became this awful person that he had set out to kill. All the feelings of hate slipped away, Kryseon gave a small smile and died. Cero turned his head slightly towards the sky and watched it all fade away...
It's over. No one has to suffer anymore. Not I, nor any innocent people, nor Kryseon. We can all be... at peace.

Blurb

Delusion? I'd call it confusion, Pardon me! For this intrusion, but you're losing.. Losing your mind!! This time, oh this time! Nothing is fine, being confined inside...

Your own mind.

Blank

I'm staring blankly at this paper. I know what I want to do, but when I try to.. I stop. It all looks so beautiful in my head.. so vibrant. Yet, when I put it on this sheet all I see is a tainted mess of what the beauty once was. I then look at my hands, as if expecting them to tell me something about this confusion I am feeling. Explain to me why I can not complete or portray this beauty I see. But then I realize I am being foolish, I know I won't get an answer. If only you could see inside of my mind, see what I see... for what it is. Not.. what it turns out to be. See how it's supposed to be, not.. this. Maybe someday I'll get it right. Maybe someday the beauty will radiate from inside and bleed right on to this wretched piece of paper. Or maybe it won't. Things just could stay the same, and never change. I could continue to try to bleed it all on to this damn paper, and see what comes out.

Or is it better that this page stays blank and my mind stays beautiful...
It's blank.. yet I won't look away...

An Answer to my last Entry..

After some serious consideration, conversation.. and of course taking a peek at my comments.. I decided to give my point of view. It may be a mess, and may drift to something confusing.. Bear with me please.

So, here goes:

A man once told me: "Behind every great man, there is a strong woman." We were at his daughter's wedding, which I knew the groom... But that's not important. This man, raised his child pretty much by himself. Sadly, his wife died while she was still young. Dedicated his life to making sure she has everything she needs. That, to me.. is great.. is it not? But somehow, I think he believed his words. I think he believed that he wasn't as great of a man as he should be. I asked him.. "How do you do it?" Funny, because the whole while he was staring up at the sky with the most innocent smile on his face. He simply replied.. "You just do it, you don't think.. you just do it." I think I understand this man, and also why he was staring at the sky with that look. He was smiling.. because he felt his wife could see him, and what he had done for their child.

That is just one example of some of the things I think about. As far as myself, well I wish I could be a portion of that man. But, I am not. If I was anything other then myself.. I wouldn't be myself. I.. am used to constant ups and downs, disappointments, achievements, happiness and pain. Then again, aren't we all? By that man's theory, about great men having strong women behind them I suppose I don't fit that mold. I don't have the "Cliche" woman behind me. So, where do I get it? Well, I'll be honest. When I fall, I fall hard. Historically, there hasn't been someone to catch me. Not whining, just stating the facts. I.. prefer it that way. Sure things may seem at their worst, but.. they can't get much lower then that.. right? When you finally look around you, and see what has occured. When you notice the things that maybe.. just maybe you didn't see before. That.. is when it begins for me.

My strength, my drive..

It starts with anger. Yes, anger. I become terribly angry with what has happened. Not angry at others, or in a pity type of way. I mean angry that my Pride, has let this happen. Angry that I.. have become THIS. This thing that I can't accept, won't accept.. I refuse it. But even.. anger has it's limitations for me. Like the adrenaline rush you get when angry, this too goes away. My true drive, true strength? Well, that.. That comes from others. Alone, I can only do so much. But, for others.. I am limitless. What I mean by this, is the people that care about you.. Truly, honestly and genuinely care do not want to see you at your worst. They want you to succeed, to be happy and prosperous.. and have everything you desire in life with no pain. But, more importantly.. I get strength from someone.. Needing me. Depending on me to help them out, and get through things. As weak as I am sometimes, I'll never show it. People wouldn't want me that way, as I wouldn't want them that way either. You push on.. sometimes. Just like he said.. Simply because you have to. You don't think, you just do it. And yes, that man also.. Gives me strength to push on. Funny isn't it? I don't really know him that well, but I understand him.

So, you see.. That man. He was in fact a great man. He won't tell you that though. He is a great man, because he helped to make a strong woman. And of course, she is behind him.. To this day.

What drives you..

Every once in a while.. Life suprises us. Not always in the way we want. Sometimes, things work in our favor.. or sometimes.. things just happen with no negative or positive. Then again, everyday of life.. is a suprise.. is it not? Once your eyes open you may have an idea of what is going to be there.. you did see it before you closed them. Not everything is.. routine. There is that variable.. the one that does not guarantee anything. Maybe my outlook is rather.. narrow. I can say that I know some people who have limitless drive. When it would seem that you should see the wrongs in the world... they find and bring out beauty. Not only in themselves.. but others.. even objects.. everything around us. Being able to look past it all. Finding beauty.. in simplicity.

Where does it come from, what is it that makes you able to do this.. Be like this.. Overcome all this with such ease. Or is that it? It's not easy, but you don't show it. You make the best of what you are given, and share it with others so they will get a taste of the lovely treasure you call life. Especially when you look around and there is soo much wrong in the world today, give me a bit of your strength.. or just a glimpse of how you see things so I can know..

What drives you..

It is, what it is...

I'm tired. I have spent too much time day in and day out, looking. It's almost as though I will never be able to find it. Sometimes I am graced with a mirage, but like anything else.. It goes away. Gives some of it's time, and it's beauty. But leaves, gone.. without a trace. Then.. Like nothing happend, I get up... and continue on again. Continue on, as I watch the last part of it slip through my fingers.. like a fine sand.

I'll never get any of that back. It will never return, vanished without warning.. or a trace. I do know that just as sure as I am that the sun will rise tomorrow.. it will be there. Waiting. Waiting for me to come back. Staying just out of my reach everytime I try to grasp it. Then.. just as I am about to give up.. when I feel I have used everything I have and failed.... I feel it. Even if only for a moment.. I feel it. And at that moment.. that brief moment as it all floods back in to me.. Restoring my ambition, my fears, my hope, my pain.... It becomes clear.

I see it for what it is now. This is something you have to work to have. This is something that will scare you. It is something that will make you able to endure anything.. just to hold on to it. It will also remind you at times when you feel nothing is there.. it is and to not give up. But, it will also take you over, make you vulnerable.. and if you lose sight of yourself.. become blinded by all of it.. It will hurt you.

It will hurt you terribly, with no warning.. sometimes no reason. It will take all of the good away, in one terrible motion. We can become demons because of it. Puppets made to do things that we know are wrong, but are lured into doing... All because of it. Sometimes it breaks us down to where we think we can't go on.. and we make an exit. Such a powerful.. yet horrible thing.

I'll never stop looking. I know I am not alone in this. We will all continue to search to have it. When you do have it.. Value it's time. Know that it may not stay that long.. Make the best of it. Cherish it...

But don't forget.. to fear it.

Think about it..

"Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery, and today.. is a gift. That's why it's called.. Present."




And thatis a fact.

How we see things..

In a conversation early this morning I learned something..

I learned that maybe I could be wrong. Maybe, just maybe.. I could be. During this conversation and all it entailed, the things explained to me struck a nerve. I felt what was being explained, I could envision that person's anguish.. fear. So, instinctively my reaction to people ill treated is I wish something equally as awful upon the people who deliver the pain. The more and more I thought about it, as more things were explained.. it shifted. Shifting to the hope of remorse through force, or a barrage of things flooded to them.. before they leave this world. In a sense.. a final measure to show a person with no regard for anyone other then themselves, or their own selfish needs their years of devotion to punishing others. When the concept of the afterlife was brought up to me.. about their suffering in it.. I didn't falter. Stayed with the same ideas. The amazing thing is.. The person.. The actual person telling me this whole scenario, watching it first hand.. experiencing it.. Was still able to want nothing ill upon someone. After all that..

Amazing really... Here I am, thinking in my mind that people of that nature deserve some final act of punishment. Something to finalize their end, in a way.. finalize it by returning one act of pain for years of it. But.. I am wrong. So horribly wrong. All thinking like mine does, is just continue the cycle. In the end no one wants to have what happened to them happen to anyone else...

From another view.. Why bother with one sweeping act. They lived their lives as themselves, not knowing anything other then their self indulgent ways. And that in itself.. is punishment enough.

Thank you for opening my eyes.. I didn't realize they were closed..

Concepts: 2009

Feel free to critique. And by critique I mean.. leave me something legit.. not stupid shit like.. "It sucks." Give me something along the lines of.. "It sucks because the design is shitty, the color schemes are bad, the guy looks like a Gator raper, etc." Did these on 1 hour of sleep and some interesting beats.

Artists:

Jedi Mind Tricks: Trail of Lies

"Classic" Compilation of: Kanye West, KRS One, Nas, and Rakim

Lil' Wayne: Upgrade U-Freestyle

"If music is peoples lives, and words are their weapons... Tell me why we stay faced in creative recession?"

What's on the menu?

I'll admit it..
I was excited.. a little nervous, for once I was early..
Or was she late? Either way.. killed time in the cold.. some pacing.
Then as quick as a shot, a thought came quick.. What.. are you doing.. What is this?
Too many thoughts came flooding in, hard to sift through them all. Seemed like seconds, a minute most. But next thing I know.. My name, I heard it. Now, I'll blame the cold for not moving fast. It was rather cold out today, so that's not a lie. It was almost as if, for that one second things.. just.. Stopped.
Dead stopped, Freeze.
"Gather yourself man, what are you doing.."
It would be safe to assume we all have a comfort thing.. that we do when nervous. All depending on the situation..
For me.. I applied a smirk, masking all this other unnecessary trivial baggage.
I never paid so much attention to someone before, yet... stared right through them..
Don't misunderstand me.. I looked in front of me, and I was made to feel like a kid..
So unsure, not wanting to slip up. Palms sweating, realizing I had managed to get an ice coffee.. when I hadn't bought one.
Gradually I felt my mind slipping, all that was being expressed was.. just a mess. I began to lose myself in the thoughts of, I should leave..
I felt in a sense as if I was a bad person, for having some one in front of me how clearly had an interest...
And I had to.. Struggle.. To keep interested?
But, I was.. interested.
Now, it gets complex.
I didn't want to leave, but I had to go. I knew from just being there, this was a good person...
Just not for me.

Let's step back.
Now she had me with her smile, dressed so proper.. Throwing in a rhyme now..
"Princess and a Pauper.."
We talked for some time. Most of the time I analyzed my thoughts..
Continued with a smile, and listened.. But, I can't help wonder... Did she know..
Was I rude?
They say having common interests are a plus. In this case, they weren't there. I was kindly reminded.. that my coffee was still untouched. So.. observant.
I remember the scent.. What was it.. I'd really like to know..
Slowly I realized, I had no idea what I wanted..
Not just today, but twenty minutes from now. Maybe ten seconds from now, or even.. before I die. It'll come to me at some point, it should at least...
I am.. just..
Completely unsure..
But there is one thing I know for sure...

I never even touched... That damn coffee..

It all starts somewhere..

So..

New to this, I find myself at a loss on what to say.. Staring at this.. minutes just slipping away. I may put things in here that rhyme, but.. not all the time. This first one will be short, as I starve for the right things to say. Or, maybe I should just ramble.. just ramble away?

I think I'll stop here, and leave it at that..
An Intro is an Intro...
Now, That.. is that.

oNe.